In short, she talked about how in this all-too-familiar cycle of ups and downs as a Christian, it seems that the only way we can be close to God is if we live in anguish. While, of course, everyone would initially disagree and argue that Christians should be the most joyful people, etc., what she said does hold truth.
From my own experience and understanding thus far, the point of this Christian life is to die to oneself and then live for God's glory. If that's the case, why do we even have distinct personalities, interests, strengths, and weaknesses? Am I to simply believe and simplify the answer by saying that all these individual characteristics are to give God more glory? From a very worldly perspective (a.k.a. my perspective), we basically lose our identity and get caught up in this never-ending process of glorifying and exalting God. So I guess the question I'm asking is this: why even give us an identity if our purpose is to lose it?
Anyways, to go back to what struck me during "class time", I can't help but reflect and find this statement to be so true in my life. Ideally, the cycle of God breaking us down should never end and we should just grow exponentially in thankfulness. And when I talk to people about this, they simply answer that it's because we were originally made that way - to glorify God, live forever in His presence, rule over the earth, etc. (picture Adam and Eve). And the first thing that comes to mind is this arrogance in me saying that that type of Christian life is naive and belittling to all the potential that we're born with. The arrogance inside me, or maybe it's just who I am, tells me that I should be able to do what I want, live a good life as I please, and be happy. However, in a video that i watched just today (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGMG_PVaJoI), it said something that challenged my arrogance. David Wilkerson, in the video, says that "true joy comes from anguish", and that "nothing in this world will give us joy", whilst the congregation echoes a passionate "Amen". I mean, I want to agree as well and join in on the "Amen", but I'm through with the lies - singing praise songs that I don't mean, saying things that I myself don't even live by, etc. More than anything, if I am to live this Christian life, I want my life to be filled with truth, a truth that is tangible and lived out.
Again, from my perspective based on my limited understanding and near-blindedness, the trade appears as such: we believe in Jesus and give up everything, while in the meantime during our stay on earth, we just suffer and persevere. I think where I'm at fault is that I find earth to be a place where I can pursue happiness, enhance my spirituality, and mature as a person. The idea of throwing that all away and clinging to a crucified life that we might one day be raised up in glory with Christ is as foreign to me as is a foreign language. To live selflessly and humbly is completely contradictory to my human nature; I don't speak that "language".
HOWEVER, I do have to admit that if I take the limit as "whatever I do" approaches infinity (excuse the math pun, math major ftw), I'll probably end up discontent and not as happy as I thought I'd be. And, I'll admit that it is highly possible that I'm putting it mildly by saying that Christianity is nothing but a rinse-and-repeat, life-long process of reading the Bible and being enlightened daily, praying, evangelizing, serving in ministry, worshiping, etc. See, at the heart of all this, and even at the core of why God created humans is love. Whether I acknowledge it or not, God made it so that we would never be forced to love Him, but rather, that hopefully, through Him showing His faithfulness and love for us, we would come to our senses and love Him back. I suppose that I just have no "noonchi" when it comes to figuring out how God is trying to win me over, and why he's so worth it.
God, change my heart. Teach me this "foreign language". Allow me to see your worth, and my unworth. I've heard all the generic answers before, but now I really just want to live out and tangibly experience all the truth that is You. God, I need you to love me like you've never loved me before.
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