Hi

I've missed you, blogger.

in case

you guys didn't know, or get the memo, something's wrong with my body... =\ I've been getting sever rashes all over my body for like the past week, and I'm finally resorting to seeing a doctor first thing in the morning before church. Please pray for me!

L0VE:

QUICK SUMMARY OF SA TODAY:

So this week’s devotional focused on Psalms 4, and asked us what keeps us awake and robs us of our peace and joy, since, at the end of the psalm, it says, “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.” My “small group” originally consists of Josh Kim, Kevin Hong, Ashley Yoon, and Ellen Cho. But, for the past few weeks, including today, it’s just been Ashley and I. As I racked my brain for an answer to that question (what keeps me awake and robs me of my peace and joy), I couldn’t really think of anything. And as Ashley probed and asked why, I came to the conclusion that I simply just live a “safe” life. I set myself up for win-win situations and keep safe distances from people so that I’ll never get hurt. If a friend were to hurt me or something, or if they were just hard to love/like, I just move on, since I could honestly care less. Simply put, and to spare everyone a long read, this has been my survival tactic from a very young age.

So, as I continued to share this information that not too many people know about me, Ashley insisted that my method was superior to hers and that she wished she could be like me and not get hurt. But, as we talked more about it and stuffz, I told her that living a “safe” life like mine meant little to no disappointments, but consequently, little to no successes and memorable relationships in which I’ve enjoyed the love that pervaded the relationship. In fact, I came to the conclusion that even to this day, I have a very elementary and muddled understanding of love. Whereas, before, I would have blamed it on my upbringing, and having not been “loved” and whatevers, Ashley said something profound that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. She said, “The reason why you don’t know know love or haven’t felt loved is because you yourself haven’t loved. When you love someone, and/or other people, you realize how hard it is, and how great it is at the same time. It’s only when you realize that that you can then understand love and BE loved.” Man…. God really does speak through people sometimes… 0.o

And, to be honest, upon realizing this, I actually felt uncomfortable and.. scared, for a lack of a better word. I guess I just have a really bad fear of rejection. So, to put myself in a vulnerable position is, first of all, unheard of, and second of all, terrifying to me. The story of my life is simply that I only do things if I have nothing to lose. I’ll do ridiculous things, say ridiculous things, but once something’s on the line and I have something to lose, I think I can safely say that I usually shy away and back down. This becomes all the more evident in my relationships with people, and maybe God, but that’s for later. With people, save for a few exceptions, I usually don’t initiate and invest in people unless I’m sure the feelings are mutual. Once I feel confident that they aren’t repulsed by my presence and kinda sorta like me, I let loose my geyser of love and pour it out. Because, it’s safe, right? But, then again, in reference to what Ashley said, I think the argument can be made that maybe that’s not love. If one were to analyze my “love” or whatever the hell it is, they would see it as something that is very selfish and conditional. And, in a worldly sense, my “love” might get by. But, if we are to look to God who created love, who IS love… GG.

Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I don’t see a trace of selfishness or conditional love anywhere. Love seems to me to be a chance. A risk. A commitment, for better or for worse. Even these definitions fall short of what love is, I’m sure. But for now, it’ll do. I’ve lived a good 15 years, at least, making sure I didn’t get hurt. For that same amount of time, I think I simultaneously walled off loving and being loved. And now, I hunger for it. Not so much in people, but, to understand God’s love better, I think I need to start with people. I don’t even know how this is all going to turn out, or what my words mean practically… but I guess we’ll see.

1,981 years ago...

Jesus rose from the dead and marked what is celebrated today as Easter. It is claimed to be the most important day for Christians, marking the end of death's sting, and the beginning of an age of righteousness found in the blood of the Savior...

Easter was never really a big deal to me. Year after year, it usually just entailed dressing up, an AMAZING lunch, Communion, a sermon about the cross, and a request to sing "Happy Day" during praise or something. This was a great reminder and all, but... it just becomes one of those things where reminders become like broken record players in the sense that reminders and convictions without actual action, time, and effort, become meaningless, and annoying even.

HOWEVER, I've actually adopted a different mindset, while sitting here trying to think of something profound to post in regards to Easter. In Jesus rising from the grave, he affirmed everything he did, taught, and claimed to be. Without Easter, without the resurrection, Jesus' sayings, His followers, and everything died with Him on Good Friday 1,981 years ago. But, the fact of the matter is that He did rise, thus affirming and proving to all who cared to see and listen that He was and is God, that everything He said was valid.

This understanding takes John 3:16 from being a memory verse, and transforms this into a tangible source of hope and truth for and in my life. During the times when we feel that God doesn't love us, and when we turn to John 3:16 "For God so loved the world...", the validity of that statement is often questioned since we often can't FEEL God's love. But, it is then that I am able to remind myself that no matter how I feel or what the circumstance is, the truth and the validity of John 3:16, and ANY other God-given revelation for that matter, remains because the Bible spoke for itself when Jesus said He would be crucified and rise again, and did. It's truly one thing to be a man of one's word, but TOTALLY another thing to actually BE your words.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, AND THE WORD WAS GOD." -John 1:1

Jesus IS His Word. He embodies it. He fulfills it. And now, I am going to read it. Lawlz, good night. Happy Easter!

I want to blog,

but I have a math midterm tomorrow. Afterwards. I promise.

Sometimes,

I wonder why I care so much. 0.o

Love VS Like

In a conversation with CMin, he enlightened me with an analogy:

"When you simply like a girl, you can like other girls. And, when something goes wrong or whatever, you bounce without too much thought. However, when you really like someone, or dare I say, love, it hurts to leave them. It hurts to hurt them. Likewise, if we really 'loved' God, it would hurt when we turn our backs on him and sin like no tomorrow. On the other hand, if it's easy to sin and we could care less, maybe we just never loved Him."