Love VS Like

In a conversation with CMin, he enlightened me with an analogy:

"When you simply like a girl, you can like other girls. And, when something goes wrong or whatever, you bounce without too much thought. However, when you really like someone, or dare I say, love, it hurts to leave them. It hurts to hurt them. Likewise, if we really 'loved' God, it would hurt when we turn our backs on him and sin like no tomorrow. On the other hand, if it's easy to sin and we could care less, maybe we just never loved Him."

Monique, Anguish, &Camping Trip.

Camping trip was pretty bombbb. I was actually considering not going when I heard that the location was no longer Pismo Beach. But, I'm glad I went. At the top of the "most memorable" list is our "class time" that we spent at Barker Dam. And, as the title explains, Monique REALLY got me thinking.

In short, she talked about how in this all-too-familiar cycle of ups and downs as a Christian, it seems that the only way we can be close to God is if we live in anguish. While, of course, everyone would initially disagree and argue that Christians should be the most joyful people, etc., what she said does hold truth.

From my own experience and understanding thus far, the point of this Christian life is to die to oneself and then live for God's glory. If that's the case, why do we even have distinct personalities, interests, strengths, and weaknesses? Am I to simply believe and simplify the answer by saying that all these individual characteristics are to give God more glory? From a very worldly perspective (a.k.a. my perspective), we basically lose our identity and get caught up in this never-ending process of glorifying and exalting God. So I guess the question I'm asking is this: why even give us an identity if our purpose is to lose it?

Anyways, to go back to what struck me during "class time", I can't help but reflect and find this statement to be so true in my life. Ideally, the cycle of God breaking us down should never end and we should just grow exponentially in thankfulness. And when I talk to people about this, they simply answer that it's because we were originally made that way - to glorify God, live forever in His presence, rule over the earth, etc. (picture Adam and Eve). And the first thing that comes to mind is this arrogance in me saying that that type of Christian life is naive and belittling to all the potential that we're born with. The arrogance inside me, or maybe it's just who I am, tells me that I should be able to do what I want, live a good life as I please, and be happy. However, in a video that i watched just today (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGMG_PVaJoI), it said something that challenged my arrogance. David Wilkerson, in the video, says that "true joy comes from anguish", and that "nothing in this world will give us joy", whilst the congregation echoes a passionate "Amen". I mean, I want to agree as well and join in on the "Amen", but I'm through with the lies - singing praise songs that I don't mean, saying things that I myself don't even live by, etc. More than anything, if I am to live this Christian life, I want my life to be filled with truth, a truth that is tangible and lived out.

Again, from my perspective based on my limited understanding and near-blindedness, the trade appears as such: we believe in Jesus and give up everything, while in the meantime during our stay on earth, we just suffer and persevere. I think where I'm at fault is that I find earth to be a place where I can pursue happiness, enhance my spirituality, and mature as a person. The idea of throwing that all away and clinging to a crucified life that we might one day be raised up in glory with Christ is as foreign to me as is a foreign language. To live selflessly and humbly is completely contradictory to my human nature; I don't speak that "language".

HOWEVER, I do have to admit that if I take the limit as "whatever I do" approaches infinity (excuse the math pun, math major ftw), I'll probably end up discontent and not as happy as I thought I'd be. And, I'll admit that it is highly possible that I'm putting it mildly by saying that Christianity is nothing but a rinse-and-repeat, life-long process of reading the Bible and being enlightened daily, praying, evangelizing, serving in ministry, worshiping, etc. See, at the heart of all this, and even at the core of why God created humans is love. Whether I acknowledge it or not, God made it so that we would never be forced to love Him, but rather, that hopefully, through Him showing His faithfulness and love for us, we would come to our senses and love Him back. I suppose that I just have no "noonchi" when it comes to figuring out how God is trying to win me over, and why he's so worth it.

God, change my heart. Teach me this "foreign language". Allow me to see your worth, and my unworth. I've heard all the generic answers before, but now I really just want to live out and tangibly experience all the truth that is You. God, I need you to love me like you've never loved me before.

I wanted to write another blog tonight,

but I can't remember what I wanted to blog about. I shall edit this post when I remember.

Good night.

Just something I heard on the radio...

There are 3 main factors that constitute a person from the moment they are born to the moment that become a fully-fledged individual - socioeconomic status, IQ, and self-control. Quite obviously, the first factor plays into the amount of opportunities one has, the people that a person will grow up around, etc. The second factor (IQ) is something that really sets people apart, being as, regardless of the amount of time or thought invested into something, people with high IQ's can be depended on to produce high-quality awesomeness with minimal effort. This, as well as the first factor, gives way to the opportunities one has at his/her disposal. However, central to the radio hosts' discussion was this whole concept of the third factor, self-control. People with full access to be "great" via an abundance of the first two factors are seen on the television as celebrities, etc. Nonetheless, the radio hosts argued that people without a grasp of the third factor, more often than not, failed to find any lasting source of happiness or meaning in their lives, and often found themselves on the extreme end of self-pleasure and self-enjoyment, sometimes resulting in drug addictions, depression, etc.

Personally, I lack a lot of self-control. My mentality is essentially, "I know what I want, what feels good, and what's best for me, so that's what I'm going to do." However, after so many years of following that game plan, I've really conjured up a hot mess. And cliche as it may seem, my greatest foe is myself. To clarify, I have lost a significant amount of control over my life, and find it hard to do what I actually want and find best for me. My desires have taken over and direct me in a way that temporarily, yet consistently, satisfies my senses, leaving me empty, abandoned, and dissatisfied afterwards.

Though I "know" that I don't know what's best for me, I can't seem to do what I want - follow Jesus. More than self-control, I want to surrender my control over to You, God. Holy Spirit, help me out here. Counsel me, teach me, renew me, and have Your way.

Suicide.

34 Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ³⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.

_________________________________________________________

*This passage was taken from Mark 8*

- After hearing this passage again for the 32748932432nd time at Monday Night Prayer, for some reason, God put the word, "suicide", into my head. After pondering the word for a couple minutes in silence, it all made sense. When Jesus says that we are to take up our cross, the implication is that we are going to die; we must crucify ourselves. In other words, we are committing suicide - the act or an instance of taking one's own life voluntarily and intentionally especially by a person of years of discretion and of sound mind. The reasons that people commit suicide generally consist of one or more of the following: discontentment with life, disappointment, hopelessness, etc. Thus, when Jesus calls us to commit suicide and gain the new life that he offers, it is because we are discontent and disappointed with this life. It is because we realize that this life has nothing to offer, and that the lusts and passions we give our bodies over to will never be enough, that we willingly crucify our hopeless selves and live for freedom.

Jesus, open my eyes. Grant me an eternal perspective that I may see the vanity and the futility of the life I lead in this world. And, in return, allow me to live my life as a disciple unrestrained by man, culture, or selfishness.